Baby number 2!

Wooh hold your horses now let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I am NOT pregnant! But I thought I would write about the potential of baby number 2.

The thought of having another Charlie makes my heart swell. Looking at him now I’m like yes yes yes I want another one now! Me & Matt have already had countless conversations about having another baby. We have always agreed we wanted two children. Matt would have a football team if he could!

I get excited at the thought of having a another baby. 1. Because I know what to expect. 2. We won’t feel like complete idiots not knowing what to do! 3. Having a baby is just the best best thing we ever did. Matt will often say it scares him thinking about having another baby, that’s because the first 12 weeks with Charlie were absolutely horrendous.

It doesn’t scare me though, because I know if we had another tough baby we would be prepared. Yes it would be rough, but we’ve been through it and come out the other end. We are so into the swings of parenting life now that I think we would have a much easier time than first time around. If we had a happy baby from the get go we just wouldn’t know ourselves!

We are by no means in a rush to get pregnant again. I’m really enjoying not being pregnant, and I’m loving my time I have one on one with Charlie. We did say we would rather a smaller age gap than a larger one between Charlie & baby number 2. But there is absolutely no pressure to get things going again. We want to enjoy this year and we have a few things popping up for next year.

I also decided that I would be looking after myself first and foremost. This means I want to be physically & mentally fit for another pregnancy which I’m currently not. I have at least 2 stone to loose before I will be at a comfortable weight. If you read my pregnancy story you’ll understand why I’m so determined on my second pregnancy being a totally different experience.

So in a nut shell, yes there will be baby number 2 but we haven’t decided when! I honestly think I will have another boy too! Just putting it out there! For now, I’m happy curling up with my little monkey 💙

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After Birth & Recovery

The night I had Charlie I remember my phone buzzing and a picture message from my mum of her, my stepdad my brother & his girlfriend with a class of champagne, It’s one of my favourite photos to this day I just sat in bed looked over at Charlie and smiled, I text her back to say I loved it and to have a glass for me!

I stayed in hospital for the next 5 days, it was only on day 3 that I started to question the things going on around me. I was having my blood pressure taken every 4 hours religiously & I was on a drip, and Charlie was being wheeled off in the middle of the night for around an hour. I had wondered why until now, when one night at 1am one of the midwives came to take Charlie again. “Where are you taking him?” I asked. “To get his antibiotics” she replied. Then everything stopped, “What? why is he on antibiotics I asked?” I pulled myself up in bed, I suddenly felt very panic stricken and very protective. “We think he has an infection; well we think you both do” she replied placing a hand on my shoulder. “I don’t understand” I started to cry. “Let me go and get the baby doctor to see you, he’s okay” she said. As she wheeled him off, I sat there in the darkness and sobbed, how could I have not realised that there was something wrong? I defiantly hadn’t been feeling well the last 3 days, but I thought it was just because the ward was warm, turns out it was because of this infection. I picked up my phone and text Matt, he called me straight away and I cried down the phone – I was panicking big time!

The baby doctor poked her head round the curtain in the darkness and came and sat on the edge of my bed, she explained that whilst in theatre both our temperatures had spiked, and I had told the nurse I wasn’t feeling well. She told me that Charlie had what they called “sticky blood” to they were keeping a close eye on him. They also thought that I may have passed the infection onto him, so we were both on an IV drip, and that’s why he was being taken away every 4 hours to have his antibiotics. I was so overwhelmed, I cried hysterically couldn’t breathe. The doctor calmed me down and assured me we were both going to be fine, but they needed to keep us in until we were well enough to go home. I rang Matt and told him what the doctor had told me, and we felt better, but he & my mum both felt awful for not realising there was a problem. But to be fair, none of us did. Apparently, I was told all of this in theatre about the infections, but I can’t remember I must have been out of it.

Recovery was painful, some days I felt ok if I had been topped up on tramadol, but if I’d forgotten to take it then it felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I could hardly walk! The midwives were amazing, I found It hard to breastfeed Charlie, I didn’t know what I was doing, and I felt like a complete failure. One of the midwives told me I needed to hand express, I sat there and thought how the f* am I supposed to do that?! It was all completely alien to me. I asked her to explain and she did, but I still didn’t quite understand – in the end I was getting so flustered and confused she milked me like a bloody cow. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life! I was getting next to nothing from hand expressing maybe 0.5ml it looked ridiculous to me. Every time I would feed Charlie it was a huge struggle; I didn’t know how to get him in the right position and how to be comfortable myself. My boobs were so swollen when my milk did eventually come in after a few days, my mum had told me how painful it was, but I never really understood until it happened, it was agony.

After the first day or so my nipples were red raw and so painful so I had to stop breastfeeding I honestly couldn’t bare it, I think it was because I couldn’t get Charlie to latch on properly every time. I was bottle feeding Charlie for the next 2 days until it was bearable to try again. The midwife showed me how to feed him with a cup so he wouldn’t get confused with the nipple & the teat of a bottle. Matt was coming in every day; he didn’t stay with me in hospital there was no point. My mum came in most days, and on the second day my stepdad & brother came in. My brother came over and hugged me and burst into tears, I couldn’t remember seeing him so emotional, and it instantly set me off.  I sat in bed and watched them all beaming from ear to ear it was the best feeling ever. Matt brought his mum into see him the day after and she brought me loads of cards from his family which was lovely. God he was so tiny, I look at him now 5 & ½ months and wonder where my baby has gone! It really does go so quickly.

My mum was bringing in things every day, I honestly thought I’d packed everything and more, but I was so wrong! I remember she brought me two more nighties in, I was passing her washing. Knickers galore, I thought id packed a 100 but I was still texting her asking her to bring in more of my Bridget jones’s. By the way they are hands down the most comfortable knickers on the planet!! I still wear them now ha-ha mostly because they tuck my kangaroo pouch in which I’ll talk about more. Matt brought my laptop in which was a life saver because I could watch Netflix when I was on my own, I had loads of magazines too. It could get quite lonely in the evening after everyone had gone.

I don’t think it was until day 4 when I had my first shower, this was complete and utter bliss. I had practically been bed bound; I did have a few sponge baths mind! Trust me your dignity goes out the window completely after having a baby, I hate to think of how many people have seen my “nunny” (vaj,vajayjay,flower) whatever you want to call it. I remember the day I got told we were going home it was funny because I was so used to being in hospital, I’d forgot that id eventually have to go home! A few different midwives came and spoke to me about the usual things, breastfeeding, safe sleeping, the general do’s and don’ts. Charlie had a hearing test which was all fine. Then I had a run through of all my medication I had to take home, I had to inject myself with antibiotics for another week, so was shown what to do and had to show I was able to do it. Then finally I was told everything had been signed off and we were both well enough to go home! I called Matt and gave him the good news, I think he was relieved to be having us both home.

Me & mum got all of my things together I had accumulated loads over 5 days. Matt arrived, and they started to go load it all in the car and I got Charlie ready to go home. I don’t think it really sank in at that moment that we were going home. I remember we said thankyou & goodbye to the midwives who had looked after us over the past week, Matt had to lead me out because I didn’t have a clue where we were. We walked out through reception and it was filled of people, loads of pregnant women, a week before that had been me in that reception. Now I was walking out with my beautiful baby boy. We stepped outside and it was absolutely freezing, I had a shock I couldn’t remember feeling that cold! We struggled to get Charlie into the car seat, and as the cold set it it caused a heated dispute between us both. I ended up sitting in the back with Charlie whilst we googled what to do. We really should have been more prepared! We finally worked it out and off we went, I sat in the back and suddenly felt really scared.

Driving home I sat there thinking oh my god what do I do, I didn’t have a button I could press and have 5 midwives around me telling me what to do anymore. I could feel my eyes welling up, my stomach was turning into knots. What would I do if I couldn’t get him to stop crying? How would I know when to feed him? What if I still couldn’t breastfeed him? All of these questions whizzed through my mind. We got home and Matt took all of my things in and carried Charlie in his car seat. We put him on the sofa and our two fur babies came over to have a nose, we sat and watched as they tried to work out what this alien was! I gave them lots of cuddles Id missed them so much, they’d been my only babies before Charlie came along, now it was all going to change.

When I said you think you don’t know what you’re doing it’s a bit crazy because I couldn’t tell it what it was or how, but when it came down to it, I just knew what to do. Yes of course everything is a learning curve, but you do get that mothers instinct!

Mum, stepdad Terry , brother Sean & his girlfriend Alex
Mum & Charlie
Terry & Charlie
Sean & Charlie
Going home!
Charlie’s first car ride

My Pregnancy Experiance

My Pregnancy Experience 

Now, let me start this one off by saying this will be a very honest blog about my pregnancy. Maybe too honest for some, but I started this whole thing wanting to be as open and honest about my experience as I could so here it goes. You might want to read the “finding out we were pregnant” blog first to understand a few things which I’ll talk about – you know the drill!😉☕️🍫

The day I found out I was pregnant was the most euphoric & heart wrenching day. I’ve never felt such a rollercoaster of emotions. I’d gone from being the happiest girl on the planet to the saddest in 8 hours. So, my pregnancy didn’t really get off to a great start, I felt what was supposed to be the happiest time for us I now couldn’t celebrate. My head was a complete mess, I will talk more about my dad, but I feel like it’s for another separate blog which I will get around to. I had been a long term smoker right up till we found out I was pregnant, and although It did take me a further 2 weeks to kick the habit I’m happy to say I did and I haven’t smoked a cigarette since which to this day is 1 year 1 month & 12 days! That was the best thing I ever managed to do!

I was (and still am) overweight when I fell pregnant, something which I didn’t want to be. Ideally, I would have been at a normal weight for my height (4’11), but we were blessed that I was able to conceive naturally so for a bit I didn’t think about it. It’s always been something which made me feel really self-conscious, I also knew I was going to struggle throughout the pregnancy as I got bigger – which I did. My sickness wasn’t too bad to be honest; I think I only properly had it from week 10-13. I’ve got friends who had it really bad and throughout their whole pregnancies, so I counted myself lucky.

Me & Matt got an early scan done at 7 weeks which confirmed the pregnancy, then told the world after my 12-week scan. One of the things which I wasn’t prepared for was bloating. I bloated so badly right from the early days, anything I ate made my tummy go huge even if it was only something little. This wasn’t good for me, especially with my feelings towards my weight already. People would comment saying “oh your massive” if they happened to catch me after id eaten and looked ALOT bigger. It really hurt my feelings, I didn’t in the slightest find it uplifting. I really struggled with the bloating, id try and wear baggy clothes to make sure I had the room after I’d eaten without it showing too much. I remember the one day, me & my best friend actually got into an argument. She’d kept on and on about how big I looked, and although I’d told her it was because I was bloated she still continued to comment on it, to the point where I snapped and asked her “how would  you feel if someone told you every day how fat you looked”. Ah – probably not the greatest choices of words but I didn’t mean in it the way it was taken and how it sounded, I was just trying to point out how much it offended me.

12 weeks in and I was completely sick of my pregnancy – but obviously I never told anyone this. I’d sit in my car & cry wondering if we’d made the right decision. I was still grieving for the loss of my dad, that still didn’t make sense to me. I’d had to sort out his funeral, that’s something you don’t think you’ll be doing at the age of 27. My mum was amazing, I was so lucky she was on hand to help. I used to look on social media and see everyone posting photos of their bumps and at the beginning I couldn’t think of anything worse.  We got a private gender scan at 16 weeks, and found out we were having a boy, we were both over the moon! We didn’t mind either way, there was never any preference just along as the baby was happy & healthy that was the main thing. We did a gender reveal with our parents & friends and that for me was probably one of my highlights of my pregnancy, it really brought a buzz of excitement.

As we hit week 20 that’s when I really started to struggle, I was by this point getting big, bigger by the day it seemed. And the comments kept rolling in, every single day like “oh look how massive you are!” Seriously, there is a way you can say these things without causing offence. Maybe I was just super super sensitive, but I hated when people said that to me, especially people I didn’t know.

Another thing which I found hard to deal with, was every bugger touching my belly…. without asking. Like just randomly rubbing my belly! Again, this just might be me, but it totally made me feel uncomfortable. I was absolutely fine with my friend’s & family doing it, but anyone else it just used to make me anxious and awkward. Most people you’ll talk to have the most amazing time whilst pregnant, I wish I could tell you I was one of those people, but I simply wasn’t. I’ve had problems with my back for the last 5 years, it defiantly triggered when I put on weight, then it went away when I started to lose it. But it came back with a vengeance as my pregnant belly grew. I was in AGONY.  I’d managed to find a really good chiropractor who I’d see once a week/2 weeks throughout my pregnancy, she’d given me lots of exercising and stretching to do which eased it a bit. I couldn’t sleep at night, I’ve always been a stomach sleeper, so having to adjust to your side is difficult. I would scream in pain every night trying to turn in bed, I’d have these excruciating pains shooting up my back even if I moved an inch. I would have taken Charlie not sleeping over being in pain every night any day of the week.

I didn’t have the usual baby shower, like I said I’m really self-conscious and the thought of having all eyes on me made me feel sick. I had pre-warned all of my friends & family it wasn’t something I wanted to do, just encase any of them thought about throwing me a surprise party. I knew If they had I would have had a complete meltdown! But my mum did secretly arrange for us to go for afternoon tea with my auntie and cousins, for a mini baby shower I did let her off even though my anxiety went through the roof! It’s funny because there was only a few of us and all my family but I couldn’t shake it off. Either way it was lovely but as much as I could manage.

I put on a really brave face throughout my pregnancy, not many people will know how difficult I found it, until now obviously. I was finding it so hard to sit at my desk in work, my back was really stiff and id have to get up all the time to have a walk around the office. Even with my ‘special chair’ and desk adjustments, sitting for 8 hours a day was doing me no good physically and mentally. The last 12 weeks of my pregnancy were probably the worst, my hips hurt, my back hurt & my head hurt constantly. Id put in a request to work if I could work from home a few days a week, but after weeks of chasing it had been declined. By this point my mental state was deteriorating quickly, my mood was extremely low, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, and I generally was miserable as sin. I kept thinking how amazing I should be feeling, and how lucky I was, id think about how some couples may never be able to have children and here I am with a face like a slapped ass, wishing this pregnancy would just be over. I even wished that Charlie would make his entrance earlier rather than later. I was crying every day, 9 out of 10 times it would be when no one was around. I was ashamed of myself, I felt like the worst person in the world. I’d think about how I didn’t deserve to be having a baby because I wasn’t embracing it, and how I was going to be a rubbish mum when he did arrive.

It was at this point I spoke to my mum & decided I needed to speak to my GP. After a tearful chat with a lovely doctor, who I told absolutely everything I was feeling to, she diagnosed me with antenatal depression & prescribed me anti-depressants. In a way, it made me feel better knowing that it wasn’t just me, that there was actually a “thing” out there which expectant mum’s experience. I wasn’t alone anymore. I was signed off work and this took me right up until I was due to go on maternity leave. I instantly felt better knowing I didn’t have to be in work, I wouldn’t have to fake it every time someone asked me how excited I was & how I was loving being pregnant. (Because that’s what everyone expects you to say).

It’s not all doom and gloom, I did start to feel better, as the kicks got stronger, I started to feel that mother & baby bond grow. Matt was great at building my confidence when it came to my belly growing, that helped me a lot specially towards the end because I really did balloon! I started to embrace it; I was growing a baby for god’s sake! I was doing something amazing!! And my body is incredible! My outlook changed, I started to take photos of my growing belly and feeling excited as the time drew closer to meet our son. Yes, I was still in pain but there wasn’t long left, and I couldn’t wait to meet our baby.

So, if you are struggling with your pregnancy – IT’S OKAY! – you don’t have to feel amazing every second of every day! But – TALK to someone, anyone! Your partner, parents, friends, family. I promise you they won’t think that you are a monster! Not everyone enjoys pregnancy but that’s ok because its hard going! I learnt you 100% have to look after yourself physically and mentally, 9 months is a long time to be feeling so awful,.

Would I do it again though? ABSOLOUTLEY – I now know that if we have another baby that I am strong, I have an amazing network around me, and I could do it again. I would defiantly embrace the whole pregnancy more next time around. I hope you enjoyed this blog, and found it useful 😊

H xxx

Finding out we were pregnant!

It’s a long one…again! Grab your cuppa teas & biscuits!

I can still remember the day like it was yesterday. I had cried the day before, Sunday evening as I’d done a pregnancy test which had come back negative (or so we thought) I threw myself into Matt’s arms and sobbed.

I could tell he was disappointed, “it’s okay babe it will happen” he said. 

We had decided that I would come off my contraceptive pill the end of December 2017/ start of Jan 2018. I’d been trying to track my ovulation but didn’t really have a clue whether it was accurate or not. So we just winged it.

Fast forward to Monday 19th March 2018, I was feeling awful still after the negative pregnancy test the day before, and me & Matt had been wracking our brains all night questioning whether the test was definitely negative. I was starting back in the gym determined to shift some weight. It was an early one, I was meeting my friend Natalie for a 6am body pump class before work.

Just before I left I decided I’d do another test just encase, this time I swore I could see a second line. Was I going mad was it there, was it not? I paced the bathroom holding the test right up close squinting waiting for the results, then there it was the faintest second line we’d been waiting for! I remember this wave of euphoria coming over me, it’s funny now because I didn’t run in screaming to Matt. I simply grabbed my gym back and left because I didn’t want to wake him, but left the test on the side in the bathroom.

After class I decided to pop into Asda and get a clear blue digital test (just to make super sure it was positive) I got to work had a shower and locked myself in the cubicle with the test.

It seemed like I’d waited ages, I mean AGES! My heart was beating fast, I could feel it in my ears then after some time it happened….the screen showed “pregnant 1-2 weeks” I jumped up and down with a huge smile on my face, I couldn’t wait for Matt to wake up so I’d text himto check the bathroom HA!

I floated into the office, I was in this bubble that no one was popping. I sat at my desk daydreaming waiting for Matt to reply then ping my phone buzzed. I think he said something along the lines of “oh wow! Congrats mummy!” We were just both buzzing! 

I called my manager for a chit chat, we are super close and he’s been a great support to me. The first thing he said when we sat down we’re “your not handing in your resignation are you?? Please don’t H” 😂😂 No I laughed I’m pregnant! I’ll never forget that look on his face, he threw his arms around me and gave me a big hug he was so happy, so was I. It was the best! 

But little did I know, my whole world was about to turn upside down In just a few hours….

I was looking at the clock at my screen willing it to be 4pm, 3:55pm I couldn’t wait to get home to see Matt I was on top of the world! And then it happened…my phone buzzed in my pocket “Mum” calling. I ran over to the side of the office and answered, “Hel” this weary voice said – my heart instantly sank I knew something was wrong. Then the phone cut off…

Text message “Hel come home – urgent xxx”

I rang her back, “Mum, what’s wrong?” In my head I thought something had happened to our cat she was 16 and hadn’t been well.

“Just come home Hel” she sobbed 

“What is it mum tell me” I pleaded my heart was pounding I could feel my eyes tearing up. 

Then just two words and my whole world crashed down.

“It’s Dad”

Boom just like that I could feel my head spinning I felt sick, I slid down the wall to the floor head dropped between my knee’s.

“He’s dead isn’t he” I whispered through my sobs

“Yes babe, come home” she sobbed back

I hung up the phone and could hardly pick myself up I was like a dead weight, my mind was going 100mph, how could I go from being on top of the world a few hours ago to rock bottom. Next thing I know I’ve bolted over to my desk trying to log off my computer and pick up my bag, completely frantic uttering nonsense. Then my friend called me, she looked at me confused, and I just blurted “my dad’s dead I have to go” and I swear the whole office stopped. Talking back about it she told me I screamed it out loud, makes sense why everyone just stared at me. She got her things grabbed me and said “come on love we’re going” I ran over to my manager with tears streaming down my face “ I have to go I have to go my dad’s dead” I remember he just grabbed me, gave me the biggest cuddle, a kiss on the top of my head and said “go”.

I couldn’t breathe as we bolted through the office I was only my phone trying to text Matt, then my friend stood in front of me with her hands on my shoulders. “BREATHE” she said. And I took in what felt like my first breath. Matt called me as I was driving to my mums, panicky from my short blunt text for him to ring me ASAP. I told him what had happened and he just went silent on the phone, I think he was more shocked than me. “I’m so so sorry babe, call me later when you can I’ll see you at home. I love you” he said.

When I arrived at my mums house I flew through the door to see her & my brother in floods of tears, I fell into her arms “ I’m pregnant” I whaled. They both stopped looked at me, what? She said still sobbing, “I’m pregnant mum” she gave me the biggest squeeze, “I’m sorry it’s not the reaction you wanted” she smiled through her tears, my brother then leant over and grabbed me “congratulations” he whispered. 

I don’t know why I blurted it out, it was like word vomit I didn’t even realise what I’d said until after I’d said it. 

That day was and will forever be the most surreal day of my entire life. I found out I was pregnant at 7:30am (for sure), my dad passed away at 1:30pm & I had the news at 3:58pm I’ll never forget that day. I feel like I should talk more about my experience of loosing a parent at a young age, so for the rest of that day I’ll leave for another blog. But trying to leave it on a light hearted note that’s how it all came about us finding out we were going to be parents!

They say when one light goes out another lights up – and that couldn’t be more true for that day. Charlie truly was our biggest blessing.

We were extremely lucky on how quickly I did actually fall pregnant. If you are out there and trying to conceive, then all I would say is don’t put to much pressure on yourself. I had been on the contraceptive pill religiously for over 10 years so stopping that, your body has to adjust. I think we did just have sheer luck – I was using the app called “Ovia fertility”, you basically put all of your details in, when you have your periods etc, and it works out your most fertile days. Maybe it did work? Maybe I was super fertile I don’t know, but it wasn’t like a military operation lol! We just had sex more regularly, and on the days it told us we had the best chance and here we are!

I hope you’ve enjoyed my blog! If you did then please feel free to follow me for notifications of new posts and I’ll also link my Instagram below!

H xxx

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This was the first test which I’d edited to see that second line! 😂
The next morning! 🎉