Today, was the day that my GP confirmed that I have Post Natal Anxiety.
I didn’t even know this existed until late last night. For the past few months, I couldn’t actually pin point when this started I have been having the most extreme thoughts about Charlie. Now, I mean thoughts of him dying. Constantly worrying and in fear. It doesn’t happen every day, sometimes I can go days without anything. But other days the simplest of things could make me think “what if”.
For example, some mornings I could be carrying him down the stairs and I can think “what if I slip and we both fall down the stairs and he dies”. Or he can be standing up in front of the TV holding onto the unit and I can think “what if he loses his balance, cracks his head on the corner and bleeds to death”. Crazy right? I could even sit there and tell myself why the hell are you thinking this it will never happen! The more I try not to think about it the worse it got.
Last night was one of those nights, it happens mostly before I go to sleep when you have lots of thoughts buzzing around. Again, I just kept thinking “what if Charlie dies, what if he doesn’t wake up”. Our night vision on our monitor has gone all fuzzy so it’s not great, so whether that triggered it I don’t know. I got into such a state sobbing into my pillow, the more I told myself I was being ridiculous the worse I became.
That’s when I turned to google. With tears streaming down my face I typed into the search: “keep thinking my baby will die”. And that’s when I discovered Post Natal Anxiety. It was a huge relief that I wasn’t alone. I read women’s posts on forums stating exactly the same things I was feeling. I wasn’t crazy after all. I knew I needed to talk to Matt as I hadn’t spoken to anyone about the way I was feeling.
So, this morning I sat down with Matt and told him everything that had been going on. He was brilliant as I knew he would be, I could see the upset on his face that I’d kept it to myself for so long. He gave me the biggest hug and kept kissing my head, he told me I needed to speak to someone so we agreed I would call my GP and book an appointment.
I was lucky enough to get in straight away for an appointment,I then called my mum and explained to her how I’d been feeling. Again as I knew she would she supported me 100% and I instantly felt better knowing I had backing from the two most important people too me. I took Charlie down with me, and explained everything how I was feeling to the Dr. He confirmed straight away he felt like I was suffering with post natal anxiety. He has referred me for someone to talk too and given me Propranolol which is suppose to help with the anxiety.
I am glad I spoke to Matt & my mum, I’m also glad matt pushed me to speak to someone today. Hopefully things will get a bit better going forward!
Always talk, it works wonders!